Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The 10 most bizarre, absurd, and dumb conspiracy theories of 2013

Throughout this year there were a lot of new conspiracy theories going around. Some of them were scary. Some of them were weird. And some of them were just bizarre, absurd, and dumb to the point where one would either have to laugh at them, or pull their hair out in frustration.

The following list are ten of what I feel are the strangest and most bizarre and/or absurd conspiracy theories of 2013:

10. Robert Sarvis was a Democratic plant to help Terry McAuliffe win the Virginia gubernatorial election.

(Author's note: being that I am from Virginia, I just felt that I had to mention this one)

In the 2013 Virginia gubernatorial election there were a lot of accusations that went back and forth (some true, some not) but one of the biggest accusation didn't come during the election, but afterwards. The accusation that I'm talking about is the one that claims that Libertarian candidate Robert Sarvis was actually a shill or plant by the Democrats inorder to steal votes away from Republican candidate Ken Cuccinelli and to help guarantee victory for Terry McAuliffe.

Now as plausible as this may sound, there are just two problems with this: First there is no guarantee that the people who voted for Sarvis would have voted for Cuccinelli, and second most of the polls before the election showed that McAuliffe had an over 50% lead, and thus a spoiler candidate would not have been needed inorder to win. Also, besides those facts and the fact that there is no actual evidence that Sarvis was a Democratic plant, it's just as likely that Sarvis actually took away votes from McAuliffe as it is from Cuccinelli.

9. Anti-GMO/Monsanto claims.

While conspiracy theories against GMO foods are nothing new, what is new is that the Anti-GMO movement now seems to be focusing their claims on one company: Monsanto.

From what I can tell from their claims Monsanto pretty much controls the FDA, the farming industry, the food industry, Obama, the media, the U.S. Supreme Court, law enforcement, any blog that debunks the anti-GMO movement's claims, all the science organizations, and that Monsanto is responsible for every atrocity committed in the world since World War Two.

According to many in the anti-GMO movement Monsanto does all of this inorder to sell you a product that (insert the anti-GMO claim of your choice).

8. The Boston Marathon bombing was a false flag attack.

On April 15 one of the worst terrorist attacks in the U.S. since the 9/11 attacks occurred at one of the largest sporting events in the U.S., the Boston Marathon. Three people were killed, and 264 people were injured, many of who also lost limbs, or were otherwise permanently maimed in some way. Also, like clock work, conspiracy theories about the bombing started to be posted all over the internet within minutes of the attack.

The most common of the claims were that it was a false flag attack, and then later de-evolved into stranger conspiracy theories in that both the suspects, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, were under some kind of government mind control, right on down to the most absurd claim of there being no attack at all and that the whole thing was staged and that no one was actually hurt or killed.

Besides the fact that all of these claims were absurd on face value alone and were quickly debunked, they were also very disrespectful and just plain disgusting.

7. Amanda Bynes became a victim of Illuminati mind control.

Over the summer actress Amanda Bynes began engaging in behavior that ranged from bizarre to down right dangerous. This behavior of her's eventually lead to her being involuntarily committed into psychiatric care.

Now to most people this looks like a simple enough case of a young woman whom is mentally ill and whom's mental illness has caused her to act out in bizarre and dangerous ways. To a conspiracy theorist on the other hand it's a clear case of Illuminati mind control.

The main theory that is going around is that Amanda was being groomed by the Illuminati as part of a youth indoctrination program, and that she had decided to break away from them. When Amanda did allegedly break away from them one of two things happen: Either that the indoctrination was so intense that she could not function on her own and her mind snapped, or she was driven insane via remote mind control.

While this explanation kind of makes sense in a weird way, the one theory behind her behavior that makes even more sense is that she is either schizophrenic or bi-polar. Combined with her age, and her escalating erratic behavior over the past few years, this makes a lot more sense than a couple of conspiracy theories that range from being far fetched to pretty much impossible.

6. The Xbox One can see you naked.

When the Xbox One and all of it's feature were announced there were many concerns (some legit, some not) but one of the biggest concerns that in itself became a conspiracy theory is that the new gaming counsel (through it's inbuilt motion sensing Kinect system) can see you naked, even with your clothes on. The reason behind this claim is due to a photo of a test subject seen through the view of the Kinect that allegedly shows his ding-dong, despite the fact that he is wearing clothes.

As it turns out that wasn't the man's private parts, but was actually a fold in his pants that people mistook for his you-know-what. Although it should be noted that the Xbox One can see you naked... if you're actually playing a video game infront of it while naked (and if that's your thing then have fun playing with it... the Xbox One I mean).

5. Something about Comet ISON

The passing through and eventual destruction of Comet ISON was considered one of the biggest astronomical events of this year, not to mention the fact that we gained a ton of data on not just this comet itself, but comets alone through our observations of the comet, including it's destruction by the Sun.

Besides just destroying the comet, the Sun also (hopefully) destroyed something else that went along with the comet: Conspiracy theories.

From what I can find there were three primary conspiracy theories concerning the comet: That the comet was going to hit the Earth and that NASA was covering it up (clearly not true, and would be impossible to cover up) that it was an alien space (if it was I would think that it would have maneuvered itself into a non-destructive path, unless the aliens were suicidal) or that it was a sign of the Rapture (which clearly didn't happen).

Regardless of whatever conspiracy theorist claim was being made about Comet ISON, they all turned out to be wrong.

4. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge wasn't actually pregnant.

This year Catherine, wife of Prince William and future Queen of England, gave birth to their first child, Prince George... or did she?

According to several conspiracy theorists the Duchess of Cambridge was not pregnant, and that the child was born from a surrogate mother chosen by the Illuminati (whether or not Prince William was the father depends on which conspiracy theorist you ask).

Now the reason why some conspiracy theorists were making this claim is also as absurd as the claim itself: she didn't really look pregnant, and in her first public appearance after the birth, she didn't look like she had just given birth...

3. Chemtrails are being used to poison angels in Heaven.

Probably one of the most absurd conspiracy theories that I read about this year was one that claimed that militant Atheists are using chemtrails to poison and kill angels. Sounds extremely absurd, right? Well, it is. Also sounds like satire too, don't it? Well, it is.

So right now you are probably asking "if it is satire, then why is it on this list?" Because a lot of conspiracy theorists didn't realize that it is satire and actually reposted the original article on their websites as if it were a real conspiracy theory, rather then something that some creative person just made up as a joke.

Come to think of it, that's how a lot of conspiracy theories are like (minus the joke part).

2. Gay people are deliberately spreading HIV with special rings.

This bizarre claim was made not by some random homophobic whack job with a blog or a Facebook page, but a famous homophobic whack job with his own nationally syndicated television program, Pat Robertson, and it was made on said television program.

Robertson's claims were that homosexuals wore special rings that were designed to cut people (usually via a hand shake) and that these rings had HIV on them, and that homosexuals used these rings to infect people (especially people they don't like).

These claims were extremely absurd. Infact they were so absurd (and embarrassing) that CBN removed them from their website and tried to get the videos of Robertson saying them removed from the internet (and utterly failed to do so), which shows two things: The people incharge of CBN do realize that certain bigoted remarks can go to far, and that people incharge of CBN do not know how the internet works.

1. President Obama and George Soros planned to nuke 300 million Americans.

According to Jim Garrow, a right wing activist whom now claims to be a former intelligence officer, claimed while on Erik Rush's radio show that President Obama was planning to drop nuclear bombs on the population and was going to kill around 300 million people. This "plot" was stop by three military officers whom he claims were fired because they stopped the President's "evil plot" (turns out they were relieved of duty due to behavior unbecoming of an officer).

The whole conspiracy theory in itself is absurd just on the those claims alone, but it goes even further into the land of bizarreness for the reason why President Obama was planning on doing this: to make George Soros richer via betting against the U.S. Dollar...

So there you have it folks, the ten of what I feel are the most bizarre, absurd, and dumb conspiracy theories of 2013. If you have any conspiracies theories that were created this year and feel they should have been on this list, please feel free to leave them in the comments section.


  1. There's one more you missed: GridEx II. Nopony remembers any blackout happening during the drill because there was NO blackout!

  2. I don't know. I think that one about the Lizard People should be on here too